You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
