I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he was CRYING into my vagina
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
