i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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