Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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