got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
