I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
