I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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