If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
