I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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