dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She told me I should be a condom model.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
