Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
