I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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