So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
