saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
