I met the friendliest cop last night
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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