I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
