i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
