I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
