I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
