i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
