why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Randomize
