isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
