Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
