I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
