they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
