Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The Olympian is in my bed
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
