You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just want nice things and good sex
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
