It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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