I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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