New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
