I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
