you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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