Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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