he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
