This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
