I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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