haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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