I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
