a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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