Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
