upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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