went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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