i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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