thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
