Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Blood and glitter go together right?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
