im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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