New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
