just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
