should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
