i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
